Living in The Suck
Posted on April 22, 2014 Leave a Comment
One of the shittiest things about depression is how it impacts your motivation. When getting out of bed takes an act of greatest proportions, the thought of cleaning house, being good at your job, or writing in a blog is so unreachable that it might as well be a trip to Fiji. Which, of course, sucks because when you’re in The Suck is exactly when you should be writing the most.
Yeah, so I’ve been in The Suck since sometime in February. I feel myself coming out of it a bit. What I’m fucking learning is: now that I’ve succumbed to depression, it’s never gonna go away. It’s like a toxic fart that lingers and lingers. It’s not something you cure, it’s something you treat.
Great. I need another chronic condition like I need a second asshole.
Of course, what’s NOT helping is that I’m doing everything that I should NOT be doing: not exercising, not eating healthily, drinking too much, shoving too many drugs in my face, not setting goals, watching too much TV—just about every shitty behavior they tell you not to indulge in. It’s like they’ve all been condensed, liquified, loaded into an IV bag, and I’m mainlining them as fast as I can.
And then, so in addition to depression, I also add self-loathing to the process as an added bonus. “Why can’t I make it to the gym at least once a week? Why do I feel it necessary to get hella stoned and eat a pint of ice cream before bed? Why can’t I just eat a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast instead of this cake?” And on and on and on.
I mean, I know why I’m doing this shit. When all you feel is numbness or anger most of the time, you want to do something that makes you feel good in the immediate: lie on the couch and binge-watch a show all day instead of working, smoking a fatty and shoving ice cream in your face, getting day-drunk. You don’t think of how craptastic it’s gonna make you feel in 15 minutes because you get wrapped up in that 10 minutes of joy while you’re standing in front of your microwave, waiting for your ice cream to get that awesome gooey meltiness along the sides of the carton that are the best parts, thinking about how good it will all taste.
Honestly, I have the impulses of a seven-year-old.
I think one of my first steps will be to read this book. It discusses the psychology of willpower and self-control and how to break bad habits and form better ones. I especially like this quote:
We face these sorts of willpower-depleting events all day long. When someone jostles you in the street and you resist the urge to shout at them, or when you feel exhausted at work but push on with your email: these all take their toll. The worse the day, the more the willpower muscle is exerted, the more we rely on autopilot, which means increased performance of [bad] habits. It’s crucial to respect the fact that self-control is a limited resource and you are likely to overestimate its strength. Recognizing when your levels of self-control are low means you can make specific plans for those times.
Seems like something useful, non?
Eh sorry guys, this is a babbly entry and vaguely unfocused, but I wanted to force myself to get something down, anything. When I was doing well, it was when I was being diligent about sticking to my morning routines: stretching, meditating, and writing. So, I’m back. I’m struggling like a motherfucker, but I’m here, suffering so you don’t have to.
I’ll be back shortly…promise.
The Struggling Buddha 